MamaBlogger365 – What Happens When Kids Describe The Birds And The Bees To One Another by Mary Rekosh

Wondering when to have “the talk” with your kids? Apparently, if you just stammer for long enough when the subject comes up, they’ll fill each other in on the details, with varying degrees of accuracy. The following conversation took place recently in my swagger wagon (ok, it’s a minivan) between myself, my daughter Janie (4) and son Ben (6), and was witnessed and occasionally interrupted by Joel (2).  (Why is it that the most difficult conversations take place when we’re hurtling down the highway at 60mph and therefore can’t gracefully flee the vicinity or at the very least pour ourselves a glass of wine?)

Janie: “Mommy, how do you tell your belly that you don’t want any more babies to grow in there?”

Me: “Well, you don’t plant any more baby seeds in there.”

Ben: “But how do the baby seeds get in there?

Me: “Ummm…Well…”

Janie (interrupts my articulate and thoughtful, Mom-On-Her-Game Response): “Ben, you just eat them of course. But you have to be really, really careful not to chew because it’s a baby.”

Ben: “That can’t be right.” (Ugh, come on kid. Dumb it down a shade. Why the brainpower? Why now?)

Me: “You’re right, Ben. Actually, the baby seed is not really a seed. It’s a group of cells, some of which come from the mommy and some come from the daddy.”

Ben: “From the DADDY???” (Wheels visibly turning. Crap.)

Janie: “But how does the baby get OUT when it’s time to be born?”

Me: “Ahhh, well when it’s time for the baby to be born, the mommy and daddy go to the hospital where the doctor helps get the baby out of a special opening in the mommy’s body that opens wide enough to let a baby through.”

Janie: “Where is the opening?”

Me: “Hmmm, that is a really good question Janie. There is a special…”

Ben (exasperated, with eyes rolling): “JANIE, IT’S THE VAGINA. OF COURSE.”

Me: “Um, Ben how did you know that? Did somebody tell you that? (Sigh) You’re right, it is the vagina. Seriously, how did you know that?”

Ben: “Mom, it’s pretty much the only possible place. I figured it out.” (Seriously, Dumb. It. Down. A. Shade. Kid.)

Me: “Janie, this is only something that happens to adult women when they are ready to become mommies. You don’t need to worry, because it’s not going to happen to you.”

Ben, way too quickly: “YET.”

 Janie: Silence. Eyes as big as saucers.

Ben: “It will probably happen soon, though.”

Joel: “ME! MINE! GO AWAY! FROGGY! SNACK! NO!!”

Me: “Janie, that is not true. We will talk about this later.” (Shaking head, defeated. We finally arrive at our destination, about 5 minutes too late to save my daughter from one of the earliest traumas of having an older brother: Having the cold, hard facts delivered with certainty, condescension and only about 50% accuracy.)

 

 

Bio: Mary Rekosh is a freelance writer, children’s yoga instructor and mother of three in Charlottesville, VA. She is also a parenting columnist and a blogger who hopes that documenting the found humor in her journey through motherhood will help others gain a fresh perspective as well. She believes that children are meant to be seen, heard and definitely laughed about.

 

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Photo credit: jdurham | MorgueFile
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