MamaBlogger365 – Dear Mary by Mary Rekosh

The next installment of my mock advice column: (Why don’t people actually ask me for parenting advice? I have so much useless information to share!)

Hi Mary, Long Time Fan First Time Writer Here. I am currently eight months pregnant, and I’m wondering how to re-ignite the “spark” in my marriage. How can we be sure to maintain an intimate connection throughout the rest of pregnancy and into the parenting years?

Thanks,

Julie B.

 

Mister B., please stop sending me emails and signing your wife’s name to them. You and I both know that she’s passed out in front of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ with a half-eaten box of doughnut holes on her lap right now, the way that Mother Nature intended for her to be during this Glorious Time. That said, I do feel badly for you. Probably the most provocative thing she’s worn to bed lately is a leopard print Snuggie, and that is difficult for both of you. Well, mostly for you… but that’s why I’m going to help you out.

First, get yourself to the nearest jewelry store. Buy the shiniest thing you see; the item that says “Honey, I love you and I understand that you’re tired and uncomfortable but I really miss business time. How’s about you put down the salted caramels for a couple minutes and join me in the bedroom? I promise I don’t notice that your caboose is growing at an alarmingly faster clip than your belly, and that you can no longer control your emissions.” Now give that item to your wife before 8:30 pm. You’re welcome.

Now, if your problem is further reaching and you’re wondering how to maintain the same kind of, shall we say, spontaneity and regularity that you once knew in your marriage, here’s what you do: Wait for the birth of your baby and for him to go to college. Now get after it, you two lovebirds, because you have four whole years before he moves back in with you! Wait, did you go and make a younger sibling or two in the meantime? Suckers.

Bio: Mary Rekosh is a freelance writer, children’s yoga instructor and mother of three in Charlottesville, VA. She is also a parenting columnist and a blogger who hopes that documenting the found humor in her journey through motherhood will help others gain a fresh perspective as well. She believes that children are meant to be seen, heard and definitely laughed about.

Photo credit: idahoeditor | MorgueFile

 

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